Dear lady in the park,


I'm sorry

I'm sorry I didn't let you into our building when you needed the toilet.

I didn't realise you were pregnant, or if I did, I didn't realise your needs. You see we had a blanket policy of not letting people use our toilets as there are public toilets 400 yards away in the park. I was apologetic but I turned you away. I was being a jobsworth.

I didn't see you as a mother with physical needs, an individual carrying a child. A child no doubt pressing down on your bladder, making you eat and drink little and often, drawing away your nutrients putting strain on you bones, your back, your legs, your hips. That your need was now. Not 400 yards away. That would be too late.

I'm sorry I didn't know.

I saw you as a person. I saw you as everybody else. I was being a feminist wasn't I? I've been taught as a woman you can do anything. You are equal to a man and you are not governed by your body- I strived to be like that. Hidden my anguish and emotional expression linked to changing hormone levels across the course of every month. Controlled my expression to be more male- the correct expression. Neutral? Fair...

This was not fair.

I was unkind. Years later I became that lady in the park. I was visibly pregnant. I waddled. It took 5 mins to walk 20 metres and then I would need to stop. My body ached. It was carrying a demanding load. My feet had swelled. Walking was troublesome. Heading into the park cafe, the lady behind the counter tried to refuse me access to the toilets. She was doing her job. It's what management had said. They were for customers only and there were portaloos over the otherside of the park I could walk to and use. I ignored her. I used the toilet. My accompanying friend felt bad- played the rules- bought a drink. Legitimised us. Having a human need was not legitimate. I was angry.

I'm sorry lady in the park for not trying to understand. I didn't realise the rules were stacked against you. That life wasn't just a little bit not fair but disproportionately so. I didn't realise the patriarchy I was still living under.

Thank you woman who stopped me. I didn't understand the lessons you were teaching me. You were subtle and led by example. You saw me turning away the lady in the park. You had authority and you used it. You invited the lady in the park in. You showed her kindness and you shared a knowing look with the lady in the park. I didn't understand what you were sharing. I knew there was something but I didn't understand it. I understand now. You didn't chastise me. You never did. You explained. I still didn't understand. I thought I did. But I didn't. I don't think I could ever have understood until I was the lady in the park.

It's not like getting caught short. That's unfortunate planning. It's more that the world has been planned without you in mind. The amazing infrastructure we have in our society has been built and shaped for man. And I mean man and not mankind. I'm not advocating for toilets every 20 metres. Just for a little compassion and understanding - understanding isn't even the right word. I don't expect you to understand - how can you its not your experience, but to try and empathise. And let your actions reflect that. Don't apologise and say dem are da rules. Say I see your need and I can meet it.

I'm sorry lady in the park.

Dear teenage slut mums in the year above,


I'm sorry

I'm sorry I laughed at our year 11 leavers' assembly when our head of year, Miss D said we may have had a load of junkies in our year but at least we had no sluts referring to the three women who became mums in the year above us. I laughed because phew! at least that wasn't us. We weren't promiscuous or stupid enough to get pregnant. I mean bringing a child into the world. caring and nurturing. Living up to responsibility. That's low.

Phew! at least all we had was junkies. Five 15 and 16 year old boys, whom just weeks before their GCSEs decided to bring a bag of 50 ecstasy tablets into school and carelessly leave them in an unlocked locker for a year 7 boy to find. Thank God that that 12 year old boy had more sense. Thank God he knew the danger of what he discovered. Thank God he reported the stash of Es he had found.

And what were they going to do with all those Es?

I liked those boys. Yes they were always naughty boys, but they were fun. Who cares if they were reckless at least they weren't promiscuous or at least... Maybe they were but they didn't get pregnant Thank God because that is the worst!

I mean they may have been trying to supply drugs to friends. There was risk but that was up to those who took the drugs not them. They could abscond themsleves from responsibility. They wouldn't have forced them to buy the drugs, not made them consume them. Their conscience could be free.

Like I said. I liked them. They were my friends. I thought they were stupid. But they wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally. They wouldn't hurt me.

This week three 12 year olds were taken to hospital in a critical condition after taking ecstasy. Nothing to do with those boys. somewhere far away. Salford I think. We await news of their condition.

We were relieved. We knew what they did was wrong. They were idiots, but at least know one got hurt. The school was very lenient. They can't have told the police. Or maybe they did. They were suspended from school. We couldn't see them but it was just before study leave. We got on with things. They were still allowed to sit their GCSEs. They were put into isolation to sit their exams. The school had given them another chance. I wouldn't say second because they had done inexcusable things before... They wanted them to live. They were young men with their lives ahead of them. We all supposed the school couldn't be bothered to deal with the paperwork of 5 expulsions. This was simpler. They weren't allowed to apply for sixth form. They wouldn't have done anyway. They weren't smart enough. What responsibility did they take for their actions?

And you girls in the year above. I didn't like you and you were sluts. Not young women entitled to be loved. Not allowed to express your sexuality. Not allowed to be considered worthy of raising a child. Somehow having sex and getting pregnant in your teens disqualifies you from being a capable parent. Maybe because getting pregnant in your teens must be an accident.

It's true I didn't like you. You were mean. And a bit scary. Education wasn't your top priority - being a Human and having human desires was - enjoying friendships and relationships. I judged you. I judged you even more the day I laughed in assembly. We all laughed. The whole arrogant assembly.

When I got pregnant it was an accident. I wasn't judged. People rejoiced and celebrated. I was married so it was ok. Never mind it wasn't planned or what I wanted. Never mind what it would do for my career. I was never judged.

I'm sorry teenage slut mums I didn't understand. I didn't know. Don't know, what difficult decisions you had to make. I didn't know you would have had your body inspected your urine sampled and tested. I'm not sure I knew morning sickness existed less so that it wasn't restricted to morning nor how frightening the responsibility of incubating and birthing a child would be. That there would be so many appointments. Did you have to face them on your own? Did your partner support you or your parents? Or were you alone. I remember my first scan. I sat in a waiting room with my husband. There was a young woman, a teen, sitting with her mum, dad and younger sister. On entering the screening room I admit I was scared. I remember hearing my baby's heart beat. Both anguish and joy simultaneously beat around my body. What did you feel? Joy, excitement, fear? Was this the plan?

When my own friend fell pregnant at 16 (fell like a tree being chopped down) she wasn't a slut mum. A bit foolish maybe. But she wasn't sleeping around. She only had one boyfriend and at the time: he was the one. Was it tragic or joyful. She was an only child and her mother suffered 7 miscarriages before she was born. Her parents rejoiced. She bore a beautiful boy. He was loved and cared for he had an active family on both sides. She continued her education. She was enabled. It wasn't easy - although at the time I didn't understand - it wasn't my experience, how could I? What have you contributed to society single teenage mum? A young man able to contribute to society as well as being an active part of society yourself in your own job. I don't know what happened to you teenage slut mums from the year above. I imagine you got on with life too...

I'm sorry teenage slut mums. I always thought that I thought outside of the box but I was conditioned. I laughed. We all laughed.

How stupid you girls are: you gave life. Our boys had the capacity to take life. Well boys will be boys!